He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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