Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
