The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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