Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
