i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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