Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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