We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
