bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
