I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
