there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
