You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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