I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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