apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
