How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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