I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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