I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
