saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
