Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just had sex on a roof
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
