Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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