is your mom at the bar?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
