WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
