just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
