please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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