Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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