dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you have to choose: penises or morals?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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