So drunk its hurt
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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