know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
