Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
