Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
