Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
