He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
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