Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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