If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
