last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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