If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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