just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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