I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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