so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
