Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
