She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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