If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
