OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
