he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
