i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
