Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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