I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
