Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
