Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
