great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
