I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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