he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
