Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
