Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
