I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
