Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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