He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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