Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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