My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize