You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I am never drinking with the goths again.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
