; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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