hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
