i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
