you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
