Jerry, you need to find god
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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