I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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