she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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